What you do has an impact on who you are

Dr. Abdal Hakim Jackson was really trying to drive this point home at the RIS Knowledge Retreat in 2011.

We often think of who we are -- our personalities and character traits -- as the source from which our actions emanate.  A generous person will give generously.  A patient person will remain calm in the face of distress.  A courageous person will stand up for what is right even at the risk of personal harm.  And people with less than desirable personality traits will do less than desirable actions.

Sometimes we use this reasoning as an excuse for our behaviour.  "Well, I'm just not a patient/brave/(insert any other quality in here) person," we say.  As if our personalities are carved in stone and there's nothing we can do about it.

The thing is, it works the other way around too.

Even if you're not born a generous person, if you keep giving and giving and giving (even if you don't feel like it), these actions will have an effect on your heart.  And over time, you find yourself wanting to give.  You've made yourself into a generous person.

Fake it until you make it...as they say.

So it's not a one-way street.  Just as our inner character traits affect and manifest themselves in the actions of our limbs, the actions of our limbs affect and manifest themselves in our inner character traits.

Not to judge

When facilitating group discussions or a setting up a good working environment, we often talk about a 'safe space' -- a place where people don't get hurt and aren't afraid to get hurt.  One of the ground rules of a 'safe space' is that we're not supposed to judge.

I've always had trouble understanding this one.  What does it mean not to judge?  Don't our minds make judgments automatically all the time?  Is it possible to stop these thought processes and just accept information without interpreting it, linking it with other things and thereby judging it?  Is it really possible not to judge?

At first, I thought that maybe the issue isn't so much in the thoughts but in the actions that result from those thoughts.  It's hard to control our thoughts.  We have a much better handle on actions.

Perhaps not judging really means not letting our thoughts cause us to say things or do things that make people feel hurt -- i.e. things that make people feel less or smaller or wrong or unworthy.  The actions may be very subtle and almost subconscious -- a scoffing, rolling eyes, subtle turning away, a dismissive tone, a condescending attitude.  Maybe it's not so much that we shouldn't judge but that the way we act or the words we say should not make people feel judged.  We should not make people feel hurt or belittled.

Yes, that's true.  We need to make sure we don't hurt people with our actions.

Then, I realized that we can take it a step further than that.  Yes, we can control our thought processes too.  Yes, we can suspend judgment.

It's a matter of consciousness.  And patience.  And humility.

Because to judge inevitably requires making assumptions.  You have evidence of A and then you make assumptions (based on experience or logic) that links A to B.  And you keep making links.  Until you come to the conclusion that a spelling mistake or two or three means that the writer is incompetent or lazy or doesn't care.  Ouch.

That's judging.

And it doesn't have to happen that way.  Sure, there's a spelling mistake.  But it could be there for any number of reasons.  And not judging means that you don't close off possibilities.  And you don't insist on coming to a conclusion. 

Yes, there's a spelling mistake.  But you don't really know why there's a spelling mistake.

This is consciousness.  To know that you don't know.  And to know that there are many possible, perfectly fine explanations behind any piece of evidence.

So you don't close doors.  You leave them open and let more of the story come to you. 

This is where the patience comes in.

It can be uncomfortable not knowing.  Because you realize that you're not in control.  You don't know. 

It takes some humility to accept that.

Ultimately, though, the truth is you really don't know much.  There's a whole life story behind that email.  And you can't possibly know and make conclusions on it based on the placement or misplacement of a single letter.

And if you can just wait and let more of the story come to you, the opportunities and insights and new perspectives and gifts that come through that open door can change your life.

Throwing 90s

There's a really interesting game that you can play to demonstrate strategies in conflict resolution.

In the game, the two parties represent two different oil-producing countries.  In each round of the game, the two countries can choose to set the price of their oil at either $30/barrel, $60/barrel or $90/barrel.

If the two countries set their prices at different levels, the one that sets their prices lower will sell much, much more oil.

If the two countries set their oil prices at the same level, they'll have equal profits.

Clearly, in the long term, it's in everyone's best interest to sell oil at $90/barrel all the time.

The two countries, however, do not communicate with each other.  They set their oil prices independently.  All they can do is look at the past history of oil prices from previous rounds and then use that to decide the price for this round.

So, how does a country maximize profits?

And when a country sets the price of oil at a certain level one round, what message does it send to the other country for the next round?

What happens if you set prices at $90/barrel one round and the other country sets it at $60?  What if the other country set their price to $30?

What would you do the next round?

And then the next?

Is there a simple formula or strategy that will result in the best outcome?

Is there a way to set prices in a way that builds trust between the two countries so that we can get to the optimal outcome?

It turns out there is.

This challenge was posed to a bunch of computer programmers, who came up with different strategies and the one that won turned out to be a surprisingly simple line of code.

Basically, whatever price the other country put up in the last round, that's the price that we choose for this round.  It's tit for tat, a strategy of reciprocation.

Originally this was the strategy that resulted in maximum profits in every game.

And then, someone came up with a strategy that worked even better.

This one said:

Whatever price the other country put up in the last round, that's the price that we choose for this round.  Once in a while, though, throw a 90.

So back to conflict resolution and human relations.  In general, it makes sense to reciprocate the actions of the people you're dealing with.  That's what the first line of code tells you to do.

It's even better, though, if once in a while, you not only reciprocate, but you do something unexpectedly good.  Throw a 90.

It's interesting that this strategy that holds the most potential for mutual gain, is also the most vulnerable position for the one offering it.

Learning, planning, doing

I've noticed that my work can basically be divided into three areas: learning, planning and doing.

Sometimes, I need to read books, watch videos, do some research, so that I know how to do something.

Other times, I need to plan what I'm going to do.  Before I start writing, I need to think about what I'm going to write.  Make an outline, plan it out, brainstorm, make a list, etc.

Then there's the actual work.  Where I'm writing the piece that's going to get sent out or published or posted. 

While all three components are essential, the actual writing of the piece is the hardest.  That's where all the stakes are.  That's the part that makes the impact.  It's where the risk for failure (or success) lies.

There's always a temptation to spend more time on the learning and planning.  They're safe.  And they're also essential.

The problem is that time is finite.  When I'm learning through reading a book or a report or watching a video, I'm not writing.  When I'm writing about what I'm planning to do and how I want to organize my day, I'm not writing the piece that's going to go out.

Yes, they're all important.  But the learning and planning don't amount to anything unless i actually do something as a result.

Misplaced attachment to metrics

I do this thing called 750 words.  You go on the website and you write.  And every day that you write 750 words, you get some points.  And an X shows up on your scorecard like a strike in bowling.  Every day you write anything at all, you get 1 point.  It shows up like a spare on your score card.  When you get strikes on several days in a row, you get badges.

Well, today, I logged in and I was disappointed to see that I only got a spare for yesterday's writing.  I expected to see a strike because I distinctly remember passing the 750 word mark in my writing yesterday.  Maybe I closed my computer before those last few words were saved or something.  I don't know.

Then I realized is that it doesn't even really matter.  I did the writing.  That's the important part.  I got to process some thoughts.  My mind feels a little less cluttered.  I got a little bit more clarity on a big project. 

Whether or not I get a strike or a spare or whatever the number of points or badges I get for writing is not the point. 

What's interesting is that because this metric is so much more visible and concrete than the clarity and progress I made through writing, my heart actually sank a little when I saw the spare instead of the strike, which I expected. 

It's very silly, actually.  Because the part that really matters is done.  The writing is there.  And I've already extracted the benefit of it. 

Yet, as evidenced by that heart sinking, I see that I've put far more importance to this metric than it deserves.

On being realistic

I don't believe in being realistic.  I believe in things that aren't real, that haven't yet become real.

I need to.  Because the only way I can motivate myself to take action is by believing in a reality that does not yet exist.  I need to believe in a result or outcome that has not yet been seen.  I have to believe that what I do will make a difference -- that the reality, which I see today will not necessarily be the one I see tomorrow.

So please don't tell me to be realistic.  I just don't work that way.

Your test

I wrote this for Sahar today and I realized that I need this reminder myself...

Know that wherever you are, whoever you're with, whatever situation you're facing -- is exactly what Allah has written for you.  This is your test.

Impress Him.